What the CDC Got Wrong In Their Zombie Apocalypse Preparedness Guide

The CDC recently released a guide to prepare you for the up coming Zombie Apocalypse.  But apparently who ever wrote it didn’t actually do any research in to the matter, they just thought it would be funny, to make fun of those of us who know that the Zombies will rise when either genetically modified foods mutate us, or mad cow makes the leap to mad monkey before infecting humans, or some overly ambitious super soldier program goes too far.

The CDC recommends you prepare a kit with the following things:

  • Water (1 gallon per person per day)
  • Food (stock up on non-perishable items that you eat regularly)
  • Medications (this includes prescription and non-prescription meds)
  • Tools and Supplies (utility knife, duct tape, battery powered radio, etc.)
  • Sanitation and Hygiene (household bleach, soap, towels, etc.)
  • Clothing and Bedding (a change of clothes for each family member and blankets)
  • Important documents (copies of your driver’s license, passport, and birth certificate to name a few)
  • First Aid supplies (although you’re a goner if a zombie bites you, you can use these supplies to treat basic cuts and lacerations that you might get during a tornado or hurricane)

imageBut it fails to mention several of the most important things…

Water: 1 Gallon per person per day.  If you are a family of four planning to wait out the 90 day life cycle of the typical Zombie you are going to need 360 gallons of water.  That won’t fit in my closet, or under my bed.  Instead keep 5 gallons of water, and some camp water treatment tablets or filters.

Food: Zombies prefer human flesh but will go for any kind of flesh in a pinch, including the canned kind.  Make sure you aren’t stockpiling SPAM, or Tuna, or Chicken.  Even canned dog food may attract Zombies if opened.

Tools and Supplies: You need a shovel, and forget the radio.  All those people telling you they are doing well and there is no virus where they are, they will be dead soon because someone who went to see them is already infected.  The shovel is the ultimate tool in a post-Zombie world. Need to put up a fence to slow Zombies down, dig a hole with your shovel.  Need to bury your dead (after you smash in their brains), shovel pulls double duty allowing you to smash their brains, AND dig a hole.  Zombies attacking you while you are burying your ex-girlfriend? Whack them with the shovel.  How did this tool not make the CDC list?

Sanitation and Hygiene: If you don’t stink of death the Zombies will know you are alive, and come eat you.  Skip the soap. Dirty and alive beats clean and dead.

The CDC is clearly not prepared themselves for the impact that a Zombie Apocalypse could have, so don’t leave your fate in the hands of the Government, if a virus that could destroy the world starts to spread, like the CDC is who screwed up to let it happen in the first place. So be safe, be alive, and remember, if the person you are talking to starts to get bity, use the shovel the CDC didn’t want you to have.