Home Remedies May Stop Snoring, But Won’t Improve Your Sex Life

A list of home remedies for snoring released recently by Prevention Magazine may indeed help you stop snoring, but are likely to play hell with your sex life.

            Snoring affects more than 90 million adults and there’s no question that if you find yourself stuck with a snorer, the situation can range from annoying to intolerable. Since the vast majority of snorers are men, we ladies are the ones who have to deal with the noise. If we like you enough we’ll adapt. We’ll tell you the snoring doesn’t bother us. Just like the fact that you won’t get rid of that nasty old concert t-shirt, your childish obsession with sports and your inability to grasp the concept of bathroom cleaning don’t bother us. In other words, we’ll lie.

            But in order to get a woman to like you enough to lie to you about these things and put up with your snoring, you’ve got to get her to stay at least one whole night. Regardless of how well the date went or how great you were in bed while conscious, if the noise you make when you fall asleep can be compared to your basic category five hurricane, getting anyone to stay in the same room- let alone the same bed- may be an issue.

            Enter Prevention’s list of basic stop snoring home remedies. According to these experts, a basic mouth appliance can be very helpful to stop snoring. That’s right boys; they’re telling you to wear a bite guard. Nothing says sexy like a man wearing a custom fitted silicone dental appliance. So while I’m sure you wouldn’t be snoring, I’m also fairly certain the only one who could appreciate the silence is your cat.

            Not to worry, there are more suggestions. If you do most of your snoring while lying on your back, there’s a surefire way to stop it. Cut the pocket off a t-shirt (May we request that disgusting favorite of yours?), cut a tennis ball in half, choose a t-shirt to sleep in, put the tennis ball in the amputated pocket and sew the whole thing to the mid back of your new sleep shirt. Every time you roll onto your back, the tennis ball will be uncomfortable and cause you to roll over. Viola, no more snoring.

            Do I need to explain why this is a bad idea if you plan to invite a woman back to your place and expect her to sleep with you? Should we start with the term “sleep shirt” or go straight to “no that’s just a tennis ball….trust me.” The most understanding woman on the planet is going to laugh herself out of the room and out of your life. Quickly. So whether you snore or not won’t really matter.

            Suggestion number three is slightly better, as long as you can play it right. This technique involves elevating the head of your bed using bricks. In order to get the full effect and stop snoring you should elevate the bed by about a foot. Obviously the fact that the head of your bed is higher than the foot will be noticeable.

Here’s where a little confidence and hopefully creativity come in. She’s going to mention it because, well, wouldn’t you? Tell her you’ve got something creative planned for tonight. As long as you manage to do something creative, she’ll believe it. At least for a while. Just make sure the elevated bed trick keeps you from snoring. Otherwise you’ll be right back to square one.

If all else fails, the experts suggest you just add a few more pillows to adjust your angle of sleep and stop snoring. And if you do start doing a freight train imitation, it gives a woman more material to smother you with.